I try so hard to hold onto,
Each time your chest moves up and down,
Inhale, exhale,
Every “You’re amazing”,
I store it in the back of my mind,
Because when you’re gone,
So many miles away,
I’m going to need it.
Your hands that seem so overwhelming next to mine
Laced with my heart,
Intertwined limbs and spirits,
Your breath on my ear
As you whisper, breathe heavily,
To keep me going,
And I will always keep
These four words in my core,
“You make me complete.”
4 comments:
Hey lady,
I really liked some of the language you used in this piece. Especially the lines "Laced with my heart,
Intertwined limbs and spirits,"
But just a suggestion.. perhaps taking out the line "so many miles away." I don't think you need it. Personally, I think it would sound better just like this..
Because when you’re gone,
So many miles away,
I’m going to need it.
As for a title, I'm not much help in that area. I can't even title my own poems. :(
good work..i enjoy it. I love the line "As you whisper, breathe heavily," It sounds almost like a command. I like it.
Your hands that seem so overwhelming next to mine
Laced with my heart, (and)
Intertwined limbs and spirits,
Your breath on my ear
possibly?
I think this could be possibly broken into two stanzas. Maybe like this:
I try so hard to hold onto,
Each time your chest moves up and down,
Inhale, exhale,
Every “You’re amazing”,
I store it in the back of my mind,
Because when you’re gone,
So many miles away,
I’m going to need it.
Your hands that seem so overwhelming next to mine
Laced with my heart,
Intertwined limbs and spirits,
Your breath on my ear
As you whisper, breathe heavily,
To keep me going,
And I will always keep
These four words in my core,
“You make me complete.”
possibly.
I agree with Hope's comment about breaking it into two stanzas. I was going to mention that as well, but got distracted with my other comments.
and as for the "and" that she added, I think it would be better if it went like this:
Your hands that seem so overwhelming next to mine,
Laced with my heart,
Intertwined limbs and spirits,
(and)Your breath on my ear
As you whisper, breathe heavily,
or even better yet.. i think that section would sound better like this:
Your hands,
so overwhelming next to mine,
Laced with heart,
Intertwined limbs and spirits
and your breath on my ear,
As you whisper,
breathe heavily,
To keep me going,
Just suggestions, of course.
Come up with a title! I like this piece! I love the ending, "These four words in my core." It sounds so great!
Try working on word choice maybe, its a great start.
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